Using the Biff Method in Communication with the Other Parent
Keep communication BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). A widely used book — BIFF for CoParent Communication by Bill Eddy — is recommended reading. Judges in Utah are familiar with and often reference it.
The BIFF Method for Communicating with a Difficult Co-Parent
When you're dealing with a co-parent who is hostile, manipulative, or constantly escalating conflict, every message matters. Judges and GALs pay close attention to how parents communicate, and poor communication can be used against you. The BIFF method, developed by attorney and therapist Bill Eddy, is a proven approach that helps keep communication calm, brief, and child-focused.
BIFF stands for:
B – Brief
Keep messages short and to the point.
Avoid long explanations, venting, or arguing back.
Example: Instead of writing three paragraphs defending yourself, just say:
“I'll pick up at 3:00 p.m. at the school office.”
I – Informative
Stick to facts and necessary details.
Don't include blame, opinions, or speculation.
Example:
“The parent-teacher conference is scheduled for Thursday at 5:30 p.m.”
F – Friendly
Use a polite, respectful tone, even if the other parent is aggressive.
A calm, neutral tone makes you look reasonable in court and prevents escalation.
Example:
“Thanks for confirming. I'll see you at the exchange spot.”
F – Firm
End with a clear statement or request.
Don't invite endless debate or negotiation.
Example:
“I'll be there at 3:00. If that time doesn't work, let me know by tomorrow at noon.”
Why BIFF Matters in Alienation Cases
It protects you from being drawn into fights that can later be shown to the court.
It demonstrates to judges and GALs that you are the reasonable, child-focused parent.
It reduces the emotional intensity for your child by keeping co-parent communications professional.
Recommended Resource
The full guide to this method is in BIFF for Co-Parent Communication by Bill Eddy. A link to purchase the book is available on our website for your convenience.
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The BIFF Method
The BIFF method, developed by attorney and therapist Bill Eddy, is a proven way to communicate with a difficult or high-conflict co-parent. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It helps keep messages child-focused, calm, and professional. Judges and GALs often review written communications between parents, and BIFF ensures that what you write makes you look reasonable and avoids escalating conflict.
Communications Not Allowed Under BIFF
Certain types of communication almost always make things worse in a high-conflict co-parenting case. They escalate conflict, put you in a bad light with the court, and undermine your child's stability. Here are examples of what not to do, and why:
1. Long, Emotional Venting
Why not: Courts and GALs don't want to see pages of complaints or emotional rants. They view this as reactive and unhelpful.
Example (don't do this):
“You always sabotage my time with the kids. You're selfish, manipulative, and I'm tired of you turning them against me. I can't believe how low you'll stoop.”
2. Name-Calling or Diagnosing
Why not: Insults or armchair diagnoses (“narcissist,” “mentally ill”) make you look hostile, not credible. Judges expect parents to avoid labels and stick to facts.
Example (don't do this):
“You're a narcissist and completely unstable. Everyone can see how toxic you are.”
3. Bringing Up Old Grievances
Why not: Rehashing the past distracts from current issues and signals you're focused on attacking, not solving problems.
Example (don't do this):
“Remember when you ruined Christmas three years ago? This is just like that, you never change.”
4. Threatening or Intimidating Language
Why not: Threats can be used against you in court and may even be seen as harassment.
Example (don't do this):
“If you don't do what I say, you'll regret it in court. I'll make sure you lose custody.”
5. Sarcasm or Mocking Tone
Why not: Sarcasm escalates conflict and comes across as disrespectful and immature.
Example (don't do this):
“Wow, another brilliant parenting move from you. The kids are so lucky.”
6. Exaggeration and Absolutes
Why not: Using words like “always,” “never,” or “everyone knows” weakens your credibility and makes you sound unreasonable.
Example (don't do this):
“You always lie to the kids and you never follow the schedule. Everyone knows you're the problem.”
Key takeaway:
If your message contains insults, blame, emotional rants, or threats, it will backfire. Stick to BIFF — Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm — so your communications can withstand review by a judge, GAL, or therapist.
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How to interact with the other parent when they are intentionally manipulating and alienating the child, but blame you.
This is one of the most frustrating spots for a targeted parent — raising alienating behavior with the other parent, only to be met with denial, blame-shifting, or escalation. The goal is not to convince the other parent (because denial is almost guaranteed), but to:
Show you raised the issue in good faith
Keep the focus child-centered
Document the behavior in a way that reads well to a judge, GAL, or therapist
Here's how to approach it in detail.
1. Use BIFF Style (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm)
Keep communication short, neutral, and respectful.
Example:
“I noticed our child said she was told she could choose which parent she lives with. That message is confusing for her at age 7. I'd like us both to reassure her that she doesn't have to choose sides and that both parents love her.”
Why it works: It's short, focused on the child's wellbeing, and avoids accusations (“You told her…”).
2. Focus on the Child's Experience, Not the Parent's Actions
Instead of accusing (“You are alienating”), phrase it around what the child is experiencing.
Example:
“Our child has been very tearful at transitions and says she feels like she has to pick sides. I'd like to work together to reduce that pressure for her.”
This makes it harder for the other parent to deny, since you're not directly accusing, just describing the child's distress.
3. Offer Solutions Instead of Blame
Frame the concern with a suggested next step.
Example:
“To help our child, I think it would benefit her if we both encouraged her relationship with the other parent. Would you be open to starting her in counseling to give her tools for handling the stress?”
Even if they refuse, you've documented that you suggested a child-focused solution.
4. Avoid Trigger Words
Do not use words like “alienation,” “narcissist,” “lying,” or “manipulating.” Those inflame and give the other parent ammunition. Judges also dislike “diagnosis language” from lay people.
Instead, stick with:
“confusing for our child”
“puts her in the middle”
“increases her stress”
“makes transitions harder”
5. Document the Denial
If the other parent denies, that denial itself is useful later. Keep their response in your record.
Example of their denial: “She just doesn't want to be with you — that's her choice.”
How it helps you: This shows the parent is not taking responsibility for reassuring the child and is instead reinforcing estrangement.
6. Shift from Persuasion to Record-Building
Once it's clear the other parent will not acknowledge or change, your communications should primarily aim to:
Show that you raised concerns professionally
Show that you offered solutions
Show that they denied or escalated
That contrast is powerful for GALs and judges.
Example Email/Text to the Other Parent (BIFF-style)
“I wanted to raise a concern: Our daughter told me recently that she was told she could choose which parent she lives with. She's only 7, and that kind of message feels confusing and upsetting for her. To support her, I think it would help if we both reassure her that she doesn't have to choose sides, and that she is loved by both parents.
I'd also like to suggest we consider counseling for her with someone experienced in helping children of divorce, so she has tools to handle these feelings. I can research a few local therapists for us to consider.”
If they deny, you've still accomplished:
Raising the concern without blame.
Making it child-centered.
Proposing a solution.
Creating documentation.